


Scars.

by lizibabes



Series: Dark Bingo [5]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Accident, Blood, Drunkenness, Injury, M/M, Swearing, mild depression, sex., slight self-hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:16:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the prompt Lacerations for Dark bingo and Mirrors for Kinkbingo. A drunken accident leaves Tommy covered in lacerations and Adam filled with guilt. Will Adam be able to put Tommy back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.  
> A fic that deals with a serious injury and its aftermath, it’s not gory in my opinion, but it does included blood and descriptions of lacerations. Probably not medically accurate. I hope you enjoy it.

Tommy POV  
　  
He stares in the mirror, trying to fix his smudged eyeliner. He's not quite sporting racoon eyes yet, but it's close. Fixing his makeup when he's trashed is hard. He wishes he had thought to drag Sutan into the bathroom with him. Not that he'd gone into the bathroom planning to fix his makeup. It was just he'd been washing his hands after taking a piss and he had noticed it in the mirrored cabinet above the sink. His hands aren't really co-operating with him in his effort to fix his makeup. He thinks it looks a little better so he shrugs at his mirror image. It's a little blurred, but maybe that's because he's swaying a little. So he's giving up, saying fuck it and getting back to the party.  
　  
Adam's suite is full of people, music and laughter. Everyone is pretty drunk. Adam had decided to throw a party to celebrate the end of his first solo tour; the band and the dancers are all in attendance as well as a shit load of people Adam knows. Including some guy whose name Tommy isn't bothering to remember. He's not Adam's boyfriend, just a date for the night. He's a male model and just as stuck up as the classic stereotype of model. He's all glitz and glam and no substance.  
　  
Tommy might have tried to be nicer if the guy hadn't been giving him dirty looks all night, especially whenever Tommy was anywhere near Adam. Tommy doesn't see what Adam sees in the guy. If he was Adam, a guy who could have anyone he wanted then he wouldn't choose this guy, not even for a one night stand. He won't criticize Adam's choice though; it's been a long, stressful and emotional tour. If Adam wants to get laid tonight, he should. It doesn't matter what Tommy thinks of the guy or that he kind of wishes he'd be the one staying with Adam once everyone else left the party. But those are thoughts better left alone, even more so when he's been drinking.  
　  
Isaac chooses that moment to appear at his side with a beer. Tommy can't resist hugging him for it.  
　  
"I love you, too, man." Isaac laughs and he kisses Tommy; a loud smacking kiss on his cheek, the corner of his mouth just brushing Tommy's lips.  
　  
"Thanks for the beer." Tommy takes a large swallow of the beer Isaac got him; it's cold and refreshing, perfect in the crowded too hot hotel suite.   
　  
"No problem. Why does Adam's date keep looking at you like you fucked his Grandma and made him watch?" Isaac asks.  
　  
"One: that's gross, and two: no idea," Tommy shrugs.  
　  
"Dude, maybe he's jealous," Isaac suggests.  
　  
"Why would he be jealous?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"Well there’s the fact that your more his dates type than he is, then there is the way Adam looks at you whenever you’re close, shit like that," Isaac shrugs.  
　  
"You’re being stupid," Tommy insists, knocking back most of the contents of his beer bottle. Hoping it'll cool him off, because it must be hot in here. There is no way he is blushing, it's just the heat making his cheeks flame.  
　  
He talks, he drinks, and he tries to ignore the dirty looks that clearly aren't in his head if Isaac has noticed them as well. He's talking with Sutan when the fight breaks out between two guys, one guy is here with his girlfriend and he's yelling about the other guy trying to steal his woman. They’re fighting, drunk and sloppy, people backing away from them and then all of a sudden they are too close and Tommy doesn't have the time to move. The guy slams into him and he's falling backwards and then there is pain, nothing but blinding hot pain.  
　  
The next thing he sees is Adam's face, and he knows something bad has happened from the look on Adam's face, pale like he's seen a ghost. His eyes are blurry, the only thing Tommy can see is Adam's face and it looks like Adam's crying. Tommy doesn't understand, wants to ask why Adam is crying, but he can't seem to move his lips or open his mouth. He feels like he's in his body, but he doesn't know how to make any of it work right now.  
　  
And there is a paramedic and he can hear them talking about multiple lacerations, blood loss. He's afraid. He wants Adam back, but then hands are on him, trying to move him and the pain in his back flares suddenly and everything goes black.  
　  
The next time he opens his eyes, there is a nurse standing over him. She leaves to get him a doctor. Tommy's head feels like it's full of cotton wool and he can't think straight. He remembers falling and Adam crying. He doesn't know why Adam was crying, and he wants to find him and hug him, make whatever is wrong go away. The idea that Adam is hurting somewhere makes him feel sick.  
　  
"What happened to me? I just fell, why am I in the hospital?" Tommy asks, cutting through whatever the doctor had been saying. Tommy hadn't really been listening.  
　  
"You fell through a glass table and sustained multiple lacerations over most of your back and some on your upper thighs. We think the thicker material of your jeans protected your legs a little. You'd lost a lot of blood by the time you got here. We've given you a transfusion and stitched up the wounds, stopped the bleeding," The doctor explains. He doesn't even sound pissed that Tommy interrupted him. Either he's got the best bedside manners ever, or Tommy's hurt enough that the doctor feels like he can't be moody with him.  
　  
"How many is multiple lacerations?" Tommy asks.  
　  
"Roughly ten or eleven on your back and only four on your legs," He looks grim, worried and Tommy guesses that's bad. He's too numb to think properly.  
　  
"Will they scar?" He thinks doctors can probably tell if a laceration would heal without leaving a trace or if it would mark him permanently.   
　  
"In all likely hood yes, they will Mr. Ratliff. Some of the shallower lacerations might heal cleanly. We can do a lot to help with scarring, though. The important thing is that nothing important in your back was damaged. You'll be back to work and your life in no time," The doctor assures.  
　  
Tommy zones out again. He's never really been vein, but it's different now. When it gets out that Adam Lambert's bassist has a cut up back, reporters will hound after him, trying to get a picture. And they'll be ugly, he'll be ugly. Everyone is always going on about how perfect he is, cute and pretty and Adam's type. Well he won't be anymore. Adam hadn't given him a second look when Tommy was apparently exactly his type, so there was no chance of Adam ever wanting him now. It's not like he had ever thought Adam would really want him, but he's sure he has no chance now. He'll spend however long he's in Adam's band for, having to watch Adam with his pretty perfect boys.  
　  
He feels his eyes prickle, but he refuses to cry. This is his fault. If he hadn't been drinking, wasn't drunk. He doesn't listen to anything else the doctor says, he can't, he's too filled with regret. He doesn't cry when the doctor leaves. He hadn't been holding back because someone else was in the room, he just doesn't think self-pity will do him any good. Crying over something that he caused, it just seems a little pathetic to him. When he hears someone at the door, he pretends to be asleep, doing his best to keep his breathing even and he listens quietly, eyes closed. He hears them leave and keeps his eyes closed, not sure he can face anyone right now. He feels raw on the inside, can't believe this happened.  
　  
He swings between hating himself a little, a lot really, and being pissed at the man who bumped into him, both the men who had been fighting. Whatever they had used on his back to numb it when it was first stitched hours after he first wakes up is gone and the pain is like nothing he has ever felt before. He can't sleep, can't escape from his thoughts that way. He's not allowed to move much either, not allowed to sit up or walk yet. Too much risk that he'll tear open his stitches, not that he's even sure he would be able to get up with the amount of pain he is in. All he does is lay there and think of all the things that should have been different.   
　  
His Mom calls; she wants to come, but it would be a lot of hassle, a lot of cost. So he convinces her not to. He doesn't think he could cope with seeing her right now. More importantly, he doesn't want her to see him like this. He feels ugly and useless. How can he face his Mom after he did this to himself? Drag her half way across the country because he got drunk and fucked up. She shouldn't have to interrupt her life to come see him in the hospital just because he got drunk and cut his back to shreds. The band and dancers visit, but Adam doesn't. The first few days he tells himself Adam must just be busy, but then he starts to think that maybe Adam doesn't want to see him now that he's ugly. It makes him sad and angry, but no one calls him out on acting sullen. Maybe they think it's the pain from the lacerations making him act differently, if that's what they think, he'll leave them to it.  
　  
He's wanted to leave the hospital since the day he woke up in it. He doesn't like it. He's in a private room, it's small, clean and sterile. It makes him think about his job in the job centre before he joined Adam's band. He'd hated that cubical with a passion. Nowadays he seems too tired to even be properly angry at the men who had bumped into him. The only person he can stay angry with is himself and then when a week has past, the longest seven days of his life, he starts to get angry at Adam too. Just because he's in a bed, kept on his stomach most of the time to keep pressure off the lacerations, doesn't mean Adam would have to see the wounds. Adam wouldn't have to see how ugly he looks. So he should be visiting Tommy with the others. Telling Tommy that everything would be okay, once he was healed it would all go back to the way it was before. Only the lacerations would scar and Tommy would never get to forget the night he turned himself into something hideous, so bad that Adam couldn't even bare to look.   
　  
He can't imagine playing right now. The pain would be too much, but his hands ache to hold a guitar. He wonders if he'll even still have his job after he gets out of the hospital. He's sure it's already out about his accident and people probably know it was his fault, because he drank. An intoxicated bass player who was a danger to himself wasn't really the image they were going for. It's not like Adam will want to pull him around the stage anymore. He won't call Tommy a 'pretty kitty' anymore.   
He's finally allowed to sit up, and it hurts like a mother fucker, but he'll do as he's told if it means getting free of the hospital quicker. He does refuse to talk to the trauma councillor when they offer. They talk about how he needs to talk about it, the accident, that it will help him, but he doesn't want to talk. He wants to pretend this never happened, go back to touring and try and get past the fact that Adam doesn't want him anymore.  
　  
His plan changes when eight days into his hospital stay, in the middle of the night he wakes up, disturbed from his someone medically induced sleep, by a noise. He squints into the darkness and spots Adam in a chair in the corner of Tommy's room. He can just make out Adam's face from the light coming through the window. His head hanging back, features slack with sleep. When he snores lightly, Tommy realises that was probably the sound that had woke him up. He looks worn out, even though he's sleeping, like he's been sleeping as well as Tommy doesn't without the pills they've been giving him so he'll rest. He wonders if Adam has been visiting him every night, it would explain why none of the Glamily had brought up or really told Tommy why Adam wasn't with them in the day. They knew Adam visited alone, but they didn't know that Tommy didn't know about the visits, till now.  
　  
He doesn't wake Adam up. He's not sure why he doesn't. Mainly he thinks it's because he wouldn't even know what to say to Adam right now. 'Sorry I fucked up', 'sorry I'm not pretty anymore', 'why do you only come at night?', and 'why do you hide that you’re visiting me', He doesn't say anything though, he just leans back carefully again. They say the lacerations are healing nicely, but they still hurt like a bitch. He tries to sleep, but he can't. Not while Adam is right there and Tommy can't help but think of every reason Adam might be there, hidden away in the dark. Tommy doesn't bring it up with the others. He's worried that they'll confirm one of his many fears, like maybe Adam wants to talk to him alone because he's fired, but he keeps chickening out.   
　  
When they finally let him leave Isaac picks him up, brings him back to the band’s bus. They all fuss over him and he kind of hates it. He feels like they all pity him. They treat him like he's some helpless, dainty little kid. He hides in his bunk as soon as he can. It's too hard on his back, so he rolls to lay on his side. He puts his headphones in and ignores everyone. He's in pain, but at least he still has his job. He's not looked on Twitter since he got out of the hospital, not done a thing. Isaac is again the one who comes and finds him when the bus stops.  
　  
"Hotel time, dude," Isaac's smile seems real, but there is worry in his eyes.  
　  
"Okay." He gets his shit together and follows Isaac. He doesn't see Adam until he and Isaac are in the lobby, getting their card keys. He can recognise Adam anywhere, even if the only view he's getting is Adam's back as he walks into the elevator. He stares long after the shiny metal doors have closed, hiding Adam from view.  
　  
"You okay, Tommy Joe?" Isaac asks, poking him in the arm.   
　  
"Fine," Tommy nods, trying to give himself a shake inside to get his brain working again.  
　  
Fine probably couldn't be further from the truth. He's in pain, his best friends avoiding him. The man he's had a crush on won't ever want him now. There is too much shit going on for him to be fine. He's sharing a room with Isaac and Tommy lets him lead the way. He'd been too busy staring at the spot he'd last seen Adam to listen to what room number or even what floor they were on. Isaac wants to call Sophie, so he lets Tommy take the shower. He's expecting it to be heaven after all the sponge baths he's had. He knows he needs to be careful with his back, but maybe being truly clean will wash away the fig that has been clouding his brain ever since he was first hurt.  
　  
He stops when he walks by the mirror over the sink and the first thing he does is make a mental note that he really needs to shave. The second thing he does is flash back to looking in another mirror, in another hotel room, fixing his makeup before he went and fucked his life up. He grabs a towel and covers the mirror with it. He doesn't want to risk catching a glance at his back or thighs. Healing well doesn't mean looking pretty or being gone. He doesn't think he can stand to see himself right now. He strips and gets into the shower, careful with his back, touching it only when he has to. It's not until he's drying off that he realises he forgot to bring clean clothes to change into, something to sleep in. He's not ready to look at his own back, so he can't stand the idea someone else seeing it. So far only nurses and doctors have seen it and he wants it to stay like that. Hell he hadn't liked them seeing his back, but at least he'd been able to reassure himself that as doctors, they had probably seen more than lacerations caused by some drunken idiot falling through a glass table.  
　  
He puts back on the clothes he'd had on when he walked into the bathroom, even though they’re a bit sweat from wearing them in the confines of his bunk all day. Isaac gives him a look when he wonders out in his clothes, but he's on the phone with Sophie and so he doesn't say anything. Tommy doesn't change into sleep pants and a T-shirt until Isaac goes for his shower. He's hidden away under the covers when Isaac comes out, shirtless and drying his hair and for a second Tommy feels a stab of envy, but it leaves as quickly as it came. Isaac is one of his best friends, it's not in Tommy's nature to hate someone he loves just because they have something he doesn't. He does close his eyes though, he might be able to not hate Isaac, but he still doesn't want to look at a flawless back. He wonders if Isaac wasn't trapped behind a drum kit, would Adam kiss him. He's small and perfect and good looking, but he has a wife. He wonders if this is what the rest of his life will be. Every time he sees a guy, will he think about all the reasons Adam would want that guy and not him. He doesn't know how he will stand being jealous all the damn time. He envied the men in Adam's life before, back when he could look at his own fucking body. No he was nowhere near good enough for Adam; he had a feeling it was going to be worse.   
　  
Now that he doesn't have a sleeping pill to pop before he goes to bed, he's having trouble sleeping again. So instead he lays awake, pretending to be asleep until Isaac falls asleep and then he just listens to his friend’s gentle breathing and he can't help but think of the night he'd found Adam asleep in his hospital room. It makes his stomach tie itself into uncomfortable knots. He still doesn't know why Adam was there, why he visited when Tommy was asleep, instead of with the others. Questions play on an endless loop in his brain and by the time he wakes up, he still doesn't have any answers. He's beyond tired by the time Isaac gets up in the morning, but at least it had meant he got to get changed first, without it causing a drama.  
　  
"Are you alright?" Isaac asks. He looks worried.  
　  
"I'm fine." Tommy remembers not to shrug just in time, well aware that if he had it would have hurt like a motherfucker and made it clear he was lying.  
　  
"You don't look like you've slept," Isaac adds.  
　  
"Well I have," It's not a lie, not really. One hour of sleep totally counts as sleeping still.  
　  
"If you say so," Isaac says and his disbelief couldn't be any clearer in the tone of his voice.  
　  
"I'm not a kid, Isaac. I don't need you mothering me," Tommy snaps.  
　  
"No need to get pissy. I'm so sorry that I'm concerned about my best friend the day he got out of hospital." The sarcasm stings a little, as does the fact that Isaac is probably right, it's pretty normal for friends to worry about each other. But he gets stuck on the mention of the hospital, can't stop the memories of being there, how he got there. The throb in his back serves as a constant reminder of the lacerations, of the fact that he's different now.  
　  
"I'm sorry." He mumbles.   
　  
Isaac squeezes Tommy's shoulder on the way to the bathroom so Tommy takes that to mean he's forgiven for snapping. His anger seems to stay close to the surface all day, bubbling under his skin and pouring out over the smallest of things. When he's not snapping, he isn't talking at all. He spends most of their day off alone. And then the next day they have a show and he has to suffer through sound check, the strap on his bass does hurt his back, but he doesn't tell anyone. Isaac is already hovering around him whenever he's not behind his drum kit. It seems like everyone is always watching him, apart from Adam, no, Adam's the total opposite to everyone else, he won't look at Tommy at all.  
　  
The show goes well, the fans seem happy to have him back, but Adam acts like he isn't back, isn't really there. They don't kiss during Fever and Adam doesn't touch him at all during his intro. It hurts, like someone took a shard of the glass from the broken glass table that tore his back apart and now they are twisting the razor sharp glass in his stomach. He's not pretty anymore. Adam doesn't want him, doesn't want to touch him. Adam was there when he got the lacerations, maybe he saw them? Maybe he's disgusted by the way he knows Tommy looks now. Adam probably can't even look at him without remembering how disgusting his back probably looked. Terrence asks him to come with them all to a club after the show. Tommy tries and fails to ignore the twinge of pain in his chest, over the fact that Adam would normally be the one to ask him something like that.  
　  
"I think I'm going to make the most of a hotel bed. I'm really tired as well," Tommy shrugs and it's all true. He is physically drained from playing injured on next to no sleep, but it's not all that. He's tired all over, body, mind, and spirit. He doesn't have the energy for anything, he hopes it didn't show when he was on stage.  
　  
"Well you go get some sleep then, I'll drink your share," Terrence laughs.   
　  
Tommy forces a smile and escapes as soon as he can. He just doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone right now, not even his friends. He goes back to his and Isaac's room alone. The first thing he does is go for a shower, once again he puts a towel over the mirror before he strips and gets into the shower to wash the sweat of the show off of him. He puts on pyjamas, turns the TV on and gets into bed. He's been watching TV in the dark for a while when he hears a weird noise in the hallway. He gets up and goes to the door. There is a thud and someone muttering a curse, it sounds like Isaac's voice. Tommy opens the door a crack and peaks out. Isaac and Adam are standing in front of the door one room over. Adam seems to be holding Isaac up.  
　  
"Why won't it work?" Isaac whines, shoving his key card into the scanner and frowning when the light stays red.  
　  
"Because that isn't your room, moron." Tommy sighs, opening the door fully.  
　  
"Tommy!" Isaac yells happily and Adam's grip around his waist tightens as he lunges forward.  
　  
"Shhh you'll wake everyone up," Adam warns, eyes focused on Isaac, not even glancing Tommy's way.  
　  
"Won't wake Tommy up, he's already awake," Isaac points out. Drunken logic. Wins every time.  
　  
"Well, you need to go to sleep." Adam sighs. Tommy steps back out the way so that Adam can help Isaac into the room, but Adam doesn't end up guiding him to the bed. Isaac suddenly stops moving and his face goes pale.  
　  
"Gonna puke," Isaac groans.  
　  
Adam all but drags Isaac to the bathroom and by the sounds Tommy can hear coming through the open bathroom door, Isaac makes it to the toilet just in time. He hears water running, low voices and then Adam's bringing a clean, but damp cloth to Isaac. Adam gets him on his bed, pulls his shoes off, but leaves all the clothes, tossing a blanket over Isaac and at some point during that process, Isaac flakes out on them. Eyes closed, breathing heavy, deeply asleep in seconds.  
　  
"Tommy, why is there a towel over the mirror in the bathroom?" Adam asks, not really looking at him.  
　  
Fuck, he had thought he'd remembered to take it down once he'd finished in the bathroom, like he had last time, but obviously he hadn't.  
　  
"So now you want to talk?" Tommy asks instead of answering.  
　  
"Please Tommy, tell me why you covered the mirror up?" Adam begs softly.  
　  
"Probably for the same reason you won't look at me since the accident. I don't want to see me either," Tommy snaps out.   
　  
"What?" Adam all but yells, spinning around so he's actually facing Tommy now, for the first time since Tommy was pushed and fell through the glass coffee table.  
　  
"You heard me." He doesn't blame Adam, not really. If he can't look at himself, why should he expect anyone else to look past his flaws.  
　  
"I heard what you said, but I didn't understand what the fuck you meant. Why wouldn't I want to see you? Why wouldn't you want to see yourself?" Adam asks and he sounds like he doesn't understand at all.  
　  
"Because of the way I look," Tommy says simply. Adam's not a stupid guy, Tommy doesn't get why he has to spell it out for him.  
　  
"You’re beautiful, baby. There is not a single thing wrong with the way you look. What makes you think I think you’re ugly, Tommy? Because that's what you think right, that you’re ugly?" Adam sounds stunned.  
　  
"I, you, you don't look at me anymore. Not since I got hurt, but it's okay. I get it. I can't look at myself in the mirror either," Tommy admits quietly. He doesn't even see Adam coming, but before he knows it, his face is pressed into Adam's chest and Adam is hugging him tight and close, almost making it hard to breath.  
　  
　  
"I'm sorry, so fucking sorry I made you think that. You are and always will be the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out," Adam whispers fiercely into his ear, warm breath puffing against his skin, Adam's head dipped down so he can talk right at Tommy.  
　  
"Then why don't you look at me anymore? You don't even touch me on stage like you used to," Tommy mumbles into Adam's chest, but he thinks Adam can hear him fine as close as they are.  
　  
"Shit, Tommy. I've been acting weird because I feel guilty. You didn't want to party that night, you were tired, but I begged you to come. And I let the party get out of control and you got hurt, it's my fault you were there." Adam sounds close to tears and it makes Tommy's chest ache.  
　  
"If I hadn't been drunk, I probably would have been able to move out the way. I didn't know you were blaming yourself. I don't want that." He doesn't think he could want anything less.  
　  
"You should be able to drink at a party without getting hurt. Please don't tell me you think this is your fault, Tommy? It's not, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and that isn't your fault," Adam says, voice firm as he moves so that he's looking into Tommy's eyes in what seems like the first time in forever.  
　  
"Not your fault either." Tommy points out, even though he's far from convinced that he isn't at least a little to blame for his injuries.  
　  
"Maybe not, maybe we're both wrong about whose fault it is. But there is one thing I know I'm not wrong about, you are beautiful. A few lacerations, scars, they don't change that fact, they don't change it at all," Adam has him by the arms now, like maybe he's thinking about shaking some sense into Tommy, but he doesn't.  
　  
"It's more than a few, Adam." It's not like Adam's seen them, it's not like he knows.   
　  
"Show me them?" Adam asks. Tommy glances at Isaac, passed out in the bed, but he doesn't want to risk him waking up and seeing them. Showing Adam will be bad enough, but he has to or Adam will never believe him.  
　  
"In the bathroom." Tommy says hesitantly. He's had a little bit of a crush on Adam since forever, been telling himself it'll go away for so long, but it doesn't. He's thought about being in a bathroom with Adam, thought about taking his clothes off for Adam, but it never played out like this in his head.  
　  
They go into the bathroom and Tommy pushes the door half shut, enough that Isaac won't wake up and be able to see them and enough that they would be able to hear him if he needed help or was sick. Adam turns the light back on, it's harsh and bright and Tommy hates it. He feels raw and exposed, even though he's still fully dressed. After staring at Adam in silence for a few long moments, Tommy decides to bite the bullet, get this done. He grabs the hem of his T-shirt, pulls up and then tosses it away. It's cold and he's nervous, he can't help but shiver.   
　  
"Still looking amazing, baby," Adam says softly, so Tommy turns around, his back to Adam and waits for the disgust to set in. Everything is far too quiet for almost a minute and then something warm touches his back, fingertips against his shoulder blade, where one of the lacerations has already closed up, is a scar now, not a cut. He can't help jerking away from Adam's touch. Someone like Adam shouldn't touch someone broken like him. He deserves perfect, whole people.  
　  
"I'm sorry. I should have asked permission. Did I hurt you?" Adam sighs.  
　  
"You didn't hurt me." Tommy lets out his own sigh, this is so fucked up.  
　  
"They’re not ugly. I won't lie and say you can't see them, but they don't have the power to make you ugly." Adam steps around him, goes over to the mirror and pulls the towel away. Tommy looks away the second he does.  
　  
"Please Tommy, just come here for me, okay?" Adam all but begs, so Tommy goes over to him, keeping his eyes on the floor, watching his feet move over the tile, closer to Adam, till he's in front of the sink and Adam moves again, till he's somewhere behind Tommy. Then his arms are around Tommy waist, big and strong and pulling him close, his bare back, scars and cuts and smooth skin alike pressed to Adam's cloth covered chest.  
　  
"Look up," Adam says quietly, his chin coming to rest on Tommy's shoulder. Because it's Adam asking, he does it, gets his eyes off his feet and on the mirror. He can see his pale face and dyed blonde hair, Adam's dark hair and freckly skin. There aren't any scars to see on his front, but he still feels like he's something ugly, being held by someone beautiful. Their images will never belong together, he doesn't deserve to get to be close to Adam like this. He drops his eyes hastily, not wanting to embarrass himself further by crying.  
　  
"No, keep looking. I want you to see what I see." Adam's voice is firm, but his hand on Tommy's shin, forcing his head up is nothing but gentle, he doesn't try to fight it.  
　  
He looks at himself, but he doesn't see what Adam wants him to see, doesn't get what he wants at all. And then Adam's hand lets go of his chin, cradling his cheek again.  
　  
"When I first met you, the first thought I had was about how pretty you are. The cheek bones, the lips." As Adam talks, his fingers move and Tommy watches them in the mirror, watches them stroke over everything Adam mentions. He thinks he sees the flush in his cheeks before he feels it.  
　  
Then Adam's thumb presses into his lower lip, not hard, but firmer than the feathery touches that had come before it. "You can't even begin to imagine the naughty thoughts I've had about this mouth, even after I realized you were straight. I couldn't stop myself from picturing your pretty lips wrapped around my cock." Adam says and there is heat in his voice. Tommy takes his eyes off of his own image and looks at Adam's. Adam's eyes are on him in the mirror and he looks predatory, hungry.  
　  
"You thought that about me?" Tommy asks shakily.   
　  
"Yes, I can't help it. I thought it would pass, go away once I realized you didn't like men, but then we became friends and I found out you were this awesome, cool, funny, genuinely nice guy. And it never went away. I have a crush on my straight best friend." Adam looks a little sad in the mirror, it kind of fits well with the lost expression Tommy can see on his own face.  
　  
"What would you have done back then if I hadn't been straight?" Tommy asks. He can picture what he thinks might have happened, Adam pushing him to his knees, his hard cock right there and he doesn't know a thing about cock, but it's a what if fantasy about how things could have been, so if he wants to see himself going down on Adam like a pro, he can. It's just a harmless fantasy, one that won't ever come true.  
　  
"I'd have asked you out on a date, wined you, dined you, the works," Adam smiles, it looks real in the mirror in front of them.   
　  
"What happened to naughty thoughts?" He asks. He hadn't expected Adam to give that answer.  
　  
"Oh I'd manage to be a gentleman for like a day, then I'd jump you. Get you on my bed, on your back, naked," Adam purrs.  
　  
"So what if I said I wasn't completely straight?" Tommy says softly. He's fucking scared, but Adam wants him, thinks he's beautiful and Tommy has always been attracted to him, always wanted him but been too afraid. Didn't want to fuck up work or their friendship, but so much has been so fucked up lately he wants something good, even if he has to take a risk to get it.  
　  
"Fuck Tommy, how not straight is not completely straight?" Adam asks and Tommy can see the look on his face in the mirror, hungry and dark. Like he wants to devour Tommy, not like he gives a fuck about the lacerations or the scars. He doesn't think Tommy is ugly and he can almost believe when Adam's looking at him like that, that maybe he's not ugly or if his back is ugly, Adam doesn't care.  
　  
"I don't know, I've just always wanted you," Tommy admits softly.  
　  
"You want me?" Adam asks.  
　  
"Yes." Fuck, he's scared, a little terrified that Adam was only flirting to make him feel better because he never thought Tommy would be interested.  
　  
"Can I kiss you?" Adam asked and oh, it seems like he isn't just faking interest. When Adam doesn't let him go, he turns his head a little, so that he can reach Adam's mouth. He presses his lips to Adam's chaste and sweet, soon turning filthy, when Adam licks at his lips, demanding entry. Adam's warm and firm against his back, his hard cock pressing into Tommy's ass. It's not like he's never been close to Adam when he's hard, but this is different. He feels so safe pressed against Adam, wrapped up in his arms. He hadn't expected that, the warm, safe feeling. He's turned on, skin hot and sensitive, he'd expected that.   
　  
"Look," Adam says against his lips and Tommy doesn't want to stop kissing to look, but he figures Adam has a reason for asking him to do this. He turns back to the mirror and almost swallows his tongue. Adam looks amazing, blue eyes glittering almost crazily in the mirror, his face flushed, he looks so good, all Tommy wants to do is jump him, drag him to bed and let him do whatever he wants. But Isaac is in the room, he can't drag Adam in there, besides, they look fucking hot together. He likes the way they look together.  
　  
He'd thought he'd never really want to look at himself again, but right now, in Adam's arms, he likes the way he looks, likes the way Adam towers over him. He looks small, delicate and that's something he'd never thought would get him hot till the first time Adam kissed him, pulled his hair. He kisses Adam again, but he keeps his eyes open, so he can just about see him through the corner of his eye. When they kiss, fuck, it looks hot, like some kind of soft core live action porn. Tommy moans, trying to get closer, wanting more.  
　  
"Shirt off." Tommy demands between kisses.  
　  
"Huh," Adam mumbles before he goes back to sucking on Tommy's lower lip.  
　  
"Take your shirt off now, mine’s off, it's only fair if you take yours off," Tommy points out. He lets Adam pull back so that he can strip off his shirt, but whines when they lose contact. He watches Adam strip in the mirror, his skin glowing under the bright bathroom lights. He can see all the freckles Adam normally covers and it makes him want to lick them.   
　  
Adam makes him look forward, kisses Tommy's neck, all the skin he can reach and Tommy's breath hitches as the sight as well as the touch of Adam's lips on his skin. It makes him shiver, his dick hardening under Adam's attention. He's never done this before, fucked around when he can see himself, he's used to seeing the pleasure on his partner’s face alone, not on his own. It's sexy, sensual in a way he couldn't have guessed, watching Adam's hands on his body this way. And Adam's hands aren't shy at all right now, trailing over Tommy's stomach, sides, chest, running over his nipples, till they stiffen under his touch and Tommy feels like his bones are melting, his face in the mirror, it doesn't look like him, flushed and sweaty, turned the fuck on and hot, desirable.   
　  
"Tell me you’re beautiful," Adam says softly.  
　  
Tommy can't force the words past his lips, but he doesn't take his eyes off their image in the mirror. Did Adam make him look like this? Is it the pleasure? He doesn't know, but he's never been that confident in his looks and the scars have made it all so much worse.   
　  
"Tell me you see what I see and I'll make it worth your while," Adam says, nipping Tommy's earlobe.  
　  
"I can't, I'm not." Tommy groans. He's turned on, desperately wants more, but he can't say it, even though he's not feeling as hideous as he had before, he still doesn't feel beautiful.  
　  
"You are, you can." Adam insists.  
　  
"I'm beautiful." Tommy mutters.  
　  
"Sorry, didn't hear that, speak up." Adam says, nipping at his shoulder.  
　  
He knows Adam heard him and glares at that charming smile in the mirror before repeating himself. "I'm beautiful," Tommy says, forcing himself to be a little louder.  
　  
Adam pulls him back a little and by the way his mirror image is smirking makes Tommy a little nervous. Adam lets him go and then moves so his back is to the mirror and he's standing in front of Tommy, not behind. Then he drops to his knees and Tommy thinks he's about to have a heart attack, because he can't believe Adam has gone to his knees right in front of Tommy. He's still standing, still face to face with his own reflection, gets to see his eye's flutter shut when Adam unzips him, gets a hand on his dick while his other hand cups Tommy's hip.  
　  
Tommy's eyes fly open the moment he feels wet heat surrounding his cock, he looks down and groans. Adam looks amazing like this, on his knees, shirtless and so very clearly hard in his jeans as he sucks Tommy's cock, deep and so fucking perfect. He's not sure why he does it, but he looks away from Adam, back to the mirror and he looks on with shock, the way he looks, fuck. His face is so flushed, his eyes so alive, he's biting his lips to hold in the moans, the Tommy in the mirror looks debauched. The whole time Adam's going down on him Tommy's time is split between looking at Adam and then at his own mirror image. It isn't vanity, he just can't help wondering if this is how he always look to Adam, is this how Adam sees him.  
　  
His climax hits him out of the blue and he can't warn Adam in time, he can see himself falling apart and it looks beautiful, just the way Adam said he was. And then Adam is on his feet, right in front of Tommy, dragging Tommy closer when he doesn't move, still foggy and lost in the afterglow. When Adam kisses him, wet and deep, dirty in the best possible way, Tommy can taste himself on Adam and it makes him moan, the way he's getting off on it makes him think he won't hesitate to get a taste of Adam when he gets the chance. Right now Adam's kissing him hungrily, hands on Tommy's back like it doesn't bother him at all that it's not perfect. Adam pulls his dick out, takes Tommy's hand and starts jacking himself with both of their hands. They don't stop kissing, not even when Adam's orgasm hits, come slick on both their hands and in between them.  
　  
They stay in each other’s arms, a sweaty, come covered mess, but Tommy doesn't care. He's never felt this good. Adam thinks he's beautiful and Adam wouldn't lie to him. And when Adam's touching him he does feel kind of beautiful. Adam holds him close, kissing his neck softly.   
　  
"Stay the night?" Tommy says into Adam's chest.  
　  
"You don't care if Isaac sees me in the morning?" Adam asks.  
　  
"I don't if you don't." Tommy can feel a blush colouring his cheeks and is a little glad that he's not looking in the mirror right now.  
　  
"Then I'll stay," Adam promises.  
　  
When they strip and get into the shower, Tommy doesn't cover the mirror. He catches glimpses of his back and it makes his stomach clench, but then Adam will touch him or kiss him, look at him like he's the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It makes it easier, to look, to see the mars, the scars. He's not sure he'll ever be okay with having them, he'll always think about how the night could have gone differently, but he wants to not be controlled by it. He wants to be the man he saw in the mirror, wanton and confident.   
　  
He puts a T-shirt on before climbing into bed. He's only just about able to show Adam, look himself, he isn't ready for Isaac to see his scars, but he is ready for Isaac to see the fact that Adam is in his bed. They could go back to Adam's room, but they stay to look after Isaac, who is snoring like a bear. Tommy lets Adam spoon him, he's so not used to being the little spoon, but he's willing to admit, if only to Adam that he kind of really fucking likes it. He's felt lost, on edge, ever since the accident. Adam makes him feel secure, happy and he thinks maybe one day Adam will help him get to a point where he is the person he saw in the mirror all the time, not just when Adam is touching him.  
　  
He's not over this, over what's happened. He's sure he'll still have bad days, but he thinks maybe having someone around who won't let him put himself down will help. But for now, all he wants for now is to sleep in the arms of a man who has always been special to him, a man who makes him feel special. He might not feel pretty or in any way good looking every time he looks into a mirror, but he thinks maybe he'll get there, eventually, with a little help. Scars fade, they might always be a part of him, but just because they are a part of him, doesn't mean his scars are the things that define him.  
　  
The End.


End file.
